Potential friendship

Bloggy Friends, you disappoint me. Not one of you has come up with Victoria Beckham’s phone number for me. I watched a tv show last night about her move to LA, and I really think she could do with hearing from me. She might even describe it as “may-ja”, which seems to be her word of the moment (as my bloggy friend in Florida Annie has already remarked).

The programme showed her house-hunting. I’ve done quite a bit of that. We could have a nice bonding chat. I would say “Vicks, I just don’t understand. You threw your hands up in horror (as any sensible mum would) at one house which had a patio with a sheer drop at the end of it, and no railings. You said you had to have a child-friendly house. Then you ended up with a house with a series of ornamental pools in the garden (they call it the back yard here, don’t forget). What were you thinking? Don’t you find you have to watch the little one all the time? Or have you got David to fit some good child locks around the place? Is he as handy with his hands as he is with his feet?” I would be tactful, and not mention how much more she could have got for her money in the Midwest. I would ask her what she uses on that hardwood flooring. I’ve got hardwood floors, and frankly, they’re a bit of a mixed blessing. They look nice, but they show every speck of dust. She probably finds the same. She seemed rather impressed when the realtor told her that Lionel Ritchie, a previous inhabitant of the house, had had the hardwood floors put down. I was a bit worried for her. Just because he’s a famous singer, I wanted to warn her, doesn’t mean he’s got a good eye for quality flooring. You’ll want to have a good look at it, make sure it’s wearing well. I hope she’s not regretting it.

Victoria is anxious to get to know people with kids, so that her own will have friends. You see, that’s another thing I understand. I think "predatory" is how I would describe my search for friends for my children. She’s had to learn what to do if an earthquake strikes; I’ve had to learn about tornadoes. Those of you who have read earlier posts on my blog will know that I have a pair of rather odd sunglasses. Victoria has several pairs herself. We really do have a lot in common.

Present buying - that’s another. It’s Husband’s birthday this week, so I’ve had to be sneaking off in the evenings, on secret shopping trips. She has the same problem. She had to go to a sex shop to buy a blow-up doll, which she then made to look like her (with help from her hairdresser and entourage), put in the back of a car, and used as a decoy for the paparazzi, while she went off to buy David a welcome-to-America watch. (I don’t understand how she got to the sex shop – with accompanying film crew - without the paparazzi noticing, and if she managed to do that, why she couldn’t get to the watch shop using the same trick. I must be missing something obvious.) But actually, you know, the easiest thing is to allow the man to buy his own present on Ebay or Amazon, because then not only does he get exactly what he wants, but it’s delivered to your door so you don’t have all those shopping trip hassles. I could slip that into our conversation. Save her a lot of trouble next time round. I think she likes shopping though. We saw quite a lot of that in the programme.

I enjoyed watching Victoria being taught how to pitch a baseball (is that the right term?) by a bunch of kids. I did feel a tiny bit smug though. One of the kids commented on her accent, and she told them she spoke differently because she was from England. The last time a bunch of kids wanted to know about my accent, I passed myself off as a celebrity. Maybe I could teach her a thing or two. She’s still very new here after all.

Husband, bless him, pointed out another advantage I have. Victoria is always wearing high heels. Even when she was pitching the baseball, she had 4” wedge trainers. Husband reckons she must be very petite, and rather insecure about her height. Let’s face it, that is one aspect of your body that surgery can’t help you with. Not even in LA. I have to say, when it comes to height, at my natural 5’9”, you might call me ma-jah.

I know we’re not exactly next door, but you have to think bigger in America when it comes to travel. We’d be happy to pop over for a week-end. 10-yo is soccer-mad, and would happily kick a ball around with the Beckham boys (I assume there’s a nice big lawn as well as those ornamental pools). 6-yo would be thrilled to visit, once I’d told him the Beckhams live on the same street as Spiderman and Superman. (Victoria seemed pretty impressed by that too.) She could take 3-yo and me shopping for clothes. I’m not very good at shopping for clothes, and 3-yo loves it, so that would be fun for her, and I’m sure Victoria would enjoy taking her along, what with not having a daughter herself to buy pink things for.

So you see, dear Bloggy Friends, I really do need that phone number. Victoria would thank you too.

Embarrassment of Riches

Oh my wordy. I don’t know what is going on in this corner of the blogosphere, but it seems I have won two more awards. So a big THANK YOU to the Rotten Correspondent. They are the Schmooze Award, for "the ability to converse casually with others and make social connections", and the Creative Blogger Award. Here they are (oh no, that techie bit again...)


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Oh bother. Look, I'll sort this out later. Meanwhile, I'll get on with the next bit, which is to pass the awards on. There are so many darn fine blogs out there, that I could scatter these awards around like Shake‘n’Vac (actually I’ve never used that product – can’t see the point of putting more stuff down to hoover up, when there is obviously enough down there already, otherwise I wouldn’t be hoovering in the first place). But I’m just going to pass them on to one person each, because I feel all this awarding is getting a bit out of hand.

The Schmooze Award goes to Katie, Long-ayelander in Glasgow, because of all the people-living-abroad blogs I read, she is the one who I think has thrown herself most heartily and gustily, gutsily even, into local life. That’s a bit of a judgement, because we’re all trying our best, but she spends a rainy Saturday watching local people dress up in armour and re-enact battles. That's trying your very best. In one blog post she tells us of a restaurant in China where they serve the penises of various animals … oh, click here and go and read it yourself if you’re interested. I am confident that if she found herself in that corner of China, she would go and sample the fare. I don’t think I would. See what I mean? So this Schmooze Award is for you, Katie.

The Creative Blogger Award goes to Reluctant Memsahib, because she’s just moved to a place called Outpost, and I think is in need of jollying along. And is a very creative blogger, obviously.

One final award, if I may. This is a one-off, not passable-onable, award to Charlesinparis, for his superb rendering of a Jackson 5 song into text. See the comments under my previous post. I think I’ll call it the Diddley Diddley Dee Award. Charlesinparis, there must be a commercial use for a skill like that.

All this talk of awards turns my thoughts to Hollywood, and the Beckhams’ move to LA – you might have heard about it. Does anyone have their new phone number? I thought I might give Victoria a call. When I moved here, I had been put in touch with a local English woman, and it was very useful to be able to email her with little requests for information, about choosing a school, house-hunting, or whether English bed linen fits American mattresses. I’ve missed the boat on that with Victoria - she's already here so will have made those what to bring decisions some while ago, but I think it would be friendly to call her up. Make her feel at home. “Hello Vicks”, I could say, “don’t worry, you’re going to love it here. Honest. Everything’s so cheap. Get yourself down to Wal-Mart, where children’s t-shirts are 2 for $7. And it’s all very convenient: you’ll have a walk-in fridge in your kitchen, the washing machines and tumble dryers are huge, and your garage door will open automatically. Don’t worry about tea bags - you can get them easily enough.” Just little things to make her feel she’s not alone in this. We have a certain amount in common. Moving to America for a husband’s job. Stay at home mum with 3 kids. I think she’d like it if I gave her a call.

Actually, I’ll let you into a secret. It may well not just be coincidence that the Beckhams have moved here so soon after we did. It may well be because of us. We’re like that. Trend-setting types. If you need convincing, let me tell you this. We moved to St Andrews in 2000, and in 2001, Prince William came to study there. Don’t tell me that these events aren’t linked in some way. If I were you, I’d keep reading this blog, because when we next move, you’ll be able to be ahead of the game, and spot the next hot location. Don't say I didn't tell you.