I think you'll be surprised

First off, thank you all so much, you fabulous peoples, for all the gems of advice. Pure gold, it all was. What I really want to do, is to move you all in here, so that you're on hand for any future dilemmas I may have. You wouldn't all fit, what with us not having a spare room, let alone 15 of them. I'm thinking I might buy a big property down the road, and you could all go and live there. I'd call it "The Advice Shack", and I'd pop round every time I needed a decision on anything. I could hire out your services to cover costs: "Top Notch Advice for All Life Situations". On the other hand, you probably would miss your families, and maybe this doesn't look to you like a job opportunity that you can't resist. OK. Stand easy. You can stay where you are, and I'll just tap into The Advice Shack in a cyber way. Probably simpler all round.

Well, peoples, I stayed. I did. I stayed. I rather surprised myself, and reading back that last blog post, it does sound as if I was pretty much on my way out already. However, I was glad to have 10 days or so before I had to make the decision, and I just hung loose. I kept deliberately putting the conscious decision to one side. Every time my rational self wanted to pick it up and get it sorted and tick it off the list, I would tell her to put it down and leave it alone. I'd done all the listing out of the pros and cons, so I tucked that information away in my head, and used it as a background to pottering on, doing the job, and trying to see which way the path would lead.

I can't explain why I stayed, because I'm not entirely sure. I think, when it all came down, I had a strong feeling that having something outside the school, something mine, something that might lead on to other somethings, was more important to me than I'd realised.

The meeting at which I had told my employers that I was applying for other jobs, and discussed options, was extremely annoying. I felt patronised, unappreciated, voiceless. (At one point, I said the following: "I've been in this room for 15 minutes, and I haven't finished more than 2 sentences. PLEASE would you let me say what I want to say." for yes, I do work with people who can talk at me for 15 minutes without pausing, and then interrupt me when I open my mouth.) I came home furious, and it took me a couple of days to calm down. But I did calm down, and Husband said "You've got a great offer on the table. I couldn't quite understand why you were so angry at being offered totally flexible holidays..." Having calmed down, I realised that I do like fundraising (bits of it, anyway), and that no job is perfect. I did think that I ran the risk of being a little bored and  isolated in the Library Assistant job, and though, of course, jobs are always what you make them, my gut feeling was that in a year or two's time, I'd regret the choice. A shrinking of horizons.

A boarding school can be a rather intense bubble, and I tried to imagine what it would feel like, sitting at the library desk six mornings a week (yes, six... Saturday morning school included), when Husband or one of the children has got involved in some wrangle or other, and I imagined it could feel claustrophobic. My current job is two days a week, and then I can walk away. Arrangement of hours can be quite a significant factor, I think, and I don't underestimate the freedom I have at the moment to fit my job round my life, rather than the other way round.

Those elements were important, but I also had a deep-down sense that I just wanted to win this battle. Something gritty inside was telling me that I do have a bit of a pattern of leaving difficult work situations, instead of working through them, and, while I wouldn't have sacrificed family happiness or the chance for an easy life for that gritty something, nonetheless, I did listen to it, and the more I listened to it, the grittier it became. It felt like I'd turned some kind of corner. Perhaps it was that moment when I told someone to shut up and listen to me, or perhaps it was that over the following week, I found a way of working that was ballsily focused on making my own job a success, rather than worrying about other people's situations or the future of the organisation, or perhaps it was that I had in writing an acknowledgement of what I'd been saying for months about the fundraising target. (Yes, ballsily is a word.) Anyway, I felt the corner I'd turned was an important one. I'd done a lot of leg-work in a new job situation, creating order out of the chaos that I'd inherited (my predecessor lasted 7 weeks, and then there'd been a long gap), carving out my role, making sense of it all, developing a workable strategy - I didn't want to waste it all. I stayed, and I'm glad I did.

A rather odd thing has been happening. I've found that I've been treated with more respect than before. I've been listened to (just about...), appreciated, supported, and my judgement backed. In return, I've tried hard not to close down defensively quite as quickly (though who likes being talked at without pause?). This week I'm about to pull off (here's hoping) a large funding coup. If successful, it will make a big difference to the organisation, but more than that, I feel that in the process of working on it in its final stages, collaboratively with certain individuals, important things have shifted. A colleague said to me "I think you've been an agent for change in the organisation", which was a nice thing to say, and yes, I think probably true.

That's all got a bit touchy-feely hasn't it? The other factor that's helped is that I've booked 6 weeks off, through July and August (not the entirety of the school holidays, but good enough, and to work the other 3 was my choice), and now I feel I can look forward to enjoying the summer, whereas before, I was looking on it as something to be got through.

So, till next time in The Advice Shack...

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Not quite so long and rambly a post

I love blogging. All that free advice, and so very wise.

OK, here's a quick update. I'm not asking for comments, really, because I think I've got to find my own way through this, and because you all came so good on the last post, I hate to consume more than my fair share of your time and thoughts (though if you have a word of wisdom, I'm always grateful!).

Turns out that instead of fundraising or library work, I should really be in negotiation. I told my current workplace that I'm looking for jobs, and have an interview in the offing, and explained why, and the net result was that they offered a fabulous package which involved:

• re-allocating one or two bits of my job which are time-consuming
• an acknowledgement that I've said what I've said about the fundraising target, so if I don't meet it, then it's the Board's responsibility and not mine, and (and this one's the gem)
• as much holiday as I like, (yes, even the 15 weeks I mentioned which is what the school hols are) so long as I fit in my two days a week around it.

I mean, blimey. Blimey O'Reilly.

Seems like something of a no-brainer*, but meanwhile, I've been getting keener on the idea of the Library Assistant job too. I didn't really know what it involved, so went to have an informal chat with the Librarian. I have an interview not this coming week (half-term), but next. I used to feel I would keep my sanity by having a life outside the school bubble, but I'm beginning to see that there is a lot of sanity to be gained by jumping into the bubble more whole-heartedly and belonging to it more fully. And I like libraries.

Incidentally, I didn't get the other fundraising job that I was interviewed for, but quite honestly, I'm not going to find a part-time fundraising job that is a better package than the one now on the table where I am. Good to rule that option out, though, in terms of the decision-making process.

So at the moment, I'm just trying to hang loose of it all, and stop spinning my mental wheels, in the hope that if I disengage my conscious mind, which is never going to reach an answer on this one, then my subconscious might come up with the goods. Go, Subconscious, go! I've stripped back the decision of all that extraneous stuff, like what will other people think, and what battles for working mothers I'm representing (the personal being political, and all that), and what role model I am. I'm just trying to feel my way into what would be the nicest life for me and those near and dear to me in the here and now, and then I know the rest will follow.

What already feels nice, is looking at July/August, and being able to make a few extra plans, without the pressure of having to zoom back from holiday or seeing family, or having to go into work while our friends from America are visiting.


* I don't want to look this particular gift horse in the mouth, but actually, it's not quite as simple as it might seem. I can't say too much (blogging never being anonymous and all that), but you'll get the gist of it if I say that in a small workplace, much depends on the personalities and working practices of a few key individuals... I won't say more than that. But a gift horse is a gift horse, and this one is laden with goodies, so I'm trying my best to avert my gaze from its open jaw - whilst also being realistic about how it might all work out in practice.

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Long rambly post in which I ask for your advice

OK, great Wisdom of the Blogosphere, help me out with this one.

The story I tell goes like this:

Husband is Chaplain in a boarding school. That's great, because it means he gets long holidays, which always match the children's holidays, and that means that I've got the freedom to take on a job and not have to worry about childcare in the holidays or half-terms. And anyway, it's not like my children are small any more. Oldest is 16, nearly 17, and next one is 13, so both well beyond holiday club ages. They just like to veg out at home, and do a bit of sport here and there. Youngest is 10, but she's pretty self-sufficient, and anyway, it's lovely for her to spend that extra time with her Dad. They're going to climb a munro this half-term (weather permitting).

It's great for me to be developing myself in a job that plays to my strengths. I like that I'm being a role model for my kids, showing that women can work outside the home, and it makes for a balanced life. I always planned to work in some shape or form, once they were a bit older. It's good to be investing for the future, and this job will open doors to other fundraising jobs as and when the children leave home. It's great to have found the opportunity to return to my previous career, and be keeping it ticking over. I like having a job outside the school, which, like any small community, is something of a bubble.

The real story is more like this:

I'm exhausted. I don't know how people do it. I'm "only" part-time and I can't fit it all in. That makes me feel terribly inadequate, because lots of couples out there have two full-time working parents and make it work ok, and as I believe I mentioned, I'm "only " part-time. And yes, we do have it easy regarding the childcare situation. It's not the domestics (though they have to be done), or the dog (who does take up at least an hour a day), or the provision of food (though with teenage sons, I do sometimes feel like I should put up an "Open" sign on the kitchen door - they need a lot of stoking), or the fact that wider family is geographically far flung and so a visit necessarily involves several days or air fares. I don't really know what it is. It's just that there isn't enough of me to go round.

The job is stressful and demanding, and leaves me with a small level of bubbling worry most of the time. Yes, I do have days when it's rewarding, and yes, I do like being in an office and having colleagues, and getting out of the bubble. However, as sole fundraiser in a small organisation where the management structure won't listen when I talk about "unrealistic expectations" (which I've been doing for months now), it's not a relaxing situation. I like the world of fundraising, but it's not a great passion, and when I left it after having babies, I always said I wouldn't want to go back. I'm not career ambitious; I've always been more interested in the rewards of the job in itself and of itself at any given point in time, rather than looking up the ladder.

Boarding school life is busy and intense in a way that's hard to explain until you've experienced it. Husband doesn't have a day off during the week during term-time, and works most evenings. In effect, we get a Sunday morning and/or afternoon together, but he's often having to prepare for the evening chapel service, or just crashes out and sleeps. I'm not complaining: it is what it is. But I have worked out that, of all the couples who live on campus, all the non-teaching spouses either work in the school in some kind of capacity, or are teachers in other schools. All bar two, who (interestingly) are men, married to housemistresses.

I don't really want to work for the school, because of a healthy desire to get out of the bubble, mixed inextricably with some kind of bolshy pride in doing my own thing. I prefer it when I say to people "Yes, I work. I'm the fundraiser for a small family centre", rather than the idea of saying "Yes, I work in the school office/school shop/school library". I suppose this means that I don't have a very healthy regard for women who do those jobs, and of that, I should be ashamed.

I do like the fact that my children have to be a little more independent because I don't have the time to run round after them as much as I used to, but I don't like the fact that I live with a perpetual feeling that I'm not quite coping. I've moved a family to America and back. How can I not be coping with a part-time job, for heaven's sake? And because I'm tired, I see that they're all tired too. I don't know how this works logically, because I'm strict on bedtimes. I just think that a child's inner life reflects their mother's. Home isn't quite as relaxing a place as it used to be, and there are consequences to that. Don't shoot me for saying so.

The denouement, with which I need your help, is this:

The position of Library Assistant in the school has been advertised, and I've applied. It's term-time only, and 19 hours a week. Do I really want it? (Of course I might not get it, and I know there've been many applications, so I'm absolutely not presuming.)

On the plus side:

• Long holidays. Fifteen weeks a year. Yay.
• I like libraries, books, and related things.
• It would be a low-stress job.
• Who knows? It might open doors to other things, for that "empty nest" time of life that I want to plan for.
• I wouldn't feel exhausted all the time (at least, I don't think so).
• The long holidays.
• The long holidays.
• The long holidays.

On the minus side:

• It would involve a pay cut, but not too significant, and one we could absorb.
• It would mean I am sucked in the vortex bubble that is boarding school life, and I might never get out.
• I feel like I'm compromising, and that somehow feels like a negative thing, rather than a positive choice. 
• I feel a failure. I don't know why. I guess it's my own demon. When I look at my cv, it reads like an impressive list of demanding jobs that I've done well in. But in each one, I felt like I was vaguely ok at it, good in patches, and when I left, felt I was leaving under a personal cloud. I have no idea why I feel this. It feels important to me to succeed at this one, even though it is (and I've said this from very early days in it) set up for failure.
• I feel a failure because women are meant to be able to do this, aren't we? Juggling. Whenever I think about it, I see how easy my lot is compared to most: a husband who has school holidays, flexible after-school care on-site, the convenience of living on the school property, "only" part-time work. I should be able to make this work (and most of the time, actually, I do - but looking down the barrel of a 9-week summer holdiay, in which I will have 2 weeks off, or 3 at a pinch, I seriously doubt that I want to make this work any longer). Perhaps I can make it all work, but it might take a few years to get there, years in which precious family life is ticking by, years which I won't get again.
• I will have to say to people "I'm Library Assistant at the school", and they will think "she only got that job because her husband is the chaplain", and I will have to swallow my pride (this, of course, might actually be a plus, not a minus!)

The other possibilities:

• I've applied for two or three other fundraising jobs, and even had an interview for one. But there are very few part-time opportunities. And it won't solve the long holiday issue.
• I've been very up-front with my current job, told them I'm applying for other jobs, and have a meeting this week with my manager, and the chairman, in which one of my strategies is to suggest I leave the job, and then work for the organisation on a consultancy basis (I'm thinking long holidays...). I think it is extremely unlikely that they will agree to this, or that it will work out very well even if they do. But I thought it was worth a try. 

OK, so what do you think? (I think I've decided what I think, by virtue of writing this post, but I'm interested, truly, in your thoughts.)

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Role model

Thank you, lovely Bloggy Friends, for being with me through my insecurities.

Over the past few months, I've thought it best to keep blogging, because then, at least, I am writing. And that is better than not writing. Then occasionally, just occasionally, I write a post and decide not to publish it, but to keep it for my book. So there are just a very few pages written. A very few. But that seems to be where a lot of bloggers are, if your comments are anything to go by, and it's always good to know you're not alone. Thank you.

9-yo asked me a little while ago, about jobs and being a mum. I don't know what prompted the question. I didn't want to get too heavy about it all - she's only 9 - but I said that it seems that most women have to make choices that men don't have to make in quite the same way. I said that you don't have to have children, but if you do, you either have to look after them, or have someone else do it. I said that it was super-fun and very wonderful to be able to do it yourself, but that did mean you couldn't always be concentrating on other things. I said that anyway, it might all have changed a bit by the time she's grown up, but probably not, and she will have choices to make, but it will be ok. You just do the best you can.

She thought about it for a few seconds, and then replied,

"I think I'll have children, and then I'll chillax and get a dog".

So I'm a role model... of some kind?

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