All about me

I've been tagged to answer a whole list of random questions, by Emma Kaufmann, who blogs at Mommy has a Headache. Thank you, Emma!

1. If you could go back in history who would you most like to meet?

I would like to meet some of my own forebears. That's rather ego-centric of me, isn't it?

2. What was one of the most embarassing things your kid said in public?

I'm going to have to write a post about the time I was in a doctor's waiting room, and joked with my daughter (aged about 5) about a bruise I had on my arm, and how I didn't want the doctor to see it because he might think Daddy hit me (why? why does one say these things?) and... you know the rest of the story. It's actually worse than you think, because this wasn't our GP or anything run of the mill like that. Oh no. This was the Immigration Center doctor, giving me the medical I had to pass to get a Green Card. "Embarrassing" isn't really the word. "Acutely inappropriate, painful, and possibly life-changingly significant" is more like it.

3. If you were an animal what would you be and why?

Elephant. They take life slowly and seem very sociable. Hm... they do have a 2-year gestation period, though, which would have been tough.

4. Have you ever eaten Haggis? Did you like it? 

Yes, I eat haggis regularly and really like it.

5. What's the stupidest thing you have said in a job interview?

I didn't say this, but I thought it so hard that I think it must have appeared on my face in neon writing.

I was fresh out of university, had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, but had applied to the graduate training scheme for M&S. First stage was to go and look round an M&S store, and have a preliminary interview with a local manager. So I went to M&S Aylesbury, and a keen young graduate trainee showed me round. I was horrified. She was so excited about stock control. She talked about how you had to be 100% committed to the company - you couldn't choose where you started. You could be sent to M&S Inverness, or M&S Penzance, or anywhere in between. I didn't have plans for my life, but I absolutely didn't see myself at the beck and call of a big company that sold socks and knickers. And I knew I couldn't get excited about stock control. I mean, I was going to use my life to make a difference to the world. (I have lost some of my youthful idealism about careers by now, you'll be glad to hear.)

After my tour of the store, she wished me good luck and showed me into the manager's office. The manager's first question was "So what attracts you to a career in retail management?" and I must have had "Nothing at all" written across my face for a good few seconds of embarrassed silence, before I managed to mumble something. I didn't get through to the next stage.

6. Do you believe in friendship between men and women?

Not really. And the more someone protests that they are "just good friends, but it really works", the more I know that they aren't and it doesn't.

7. Is Kate Middleton someone you look up to or someone who seems awfully nice but basically completely uninteresting?

I don't look up to her, but I don't think she's completely uninteresting. My mother thinks she is "a dark horse", and my mother is often right. She meant "dark horse" in a good way, by the way.

8. Do you feel like you are a slave to technology?

I try very hard not to be. I went through a blogging addiction phase, but I came out the other side. It's why I don't have a Facebook page, because I know I would spend hours on it. I can happily live for a few days without a computer or phone. No, truly (but only a few...)

9. Have you ever had a chip butty? If not would you like to?

Yes. One was enough. My children invented the Ritz Cracker sandwich (using toast, not just plain bread), which I think is probably similar in terms of carbohydrate overload. One of those is enough for me too.

10. If you were on a desert island what one record from the 80s would you bring with you?

If I could figure out the answer to that question, I would certainly be clever enough to figure out how to get off the desert island. So many to choose from, each with its own set of memories and associations. I think it would have to be something Fleetwood Mac, possibly Dreams, because, yes, I really am that unoriginal. It does sum up a whole era, though, you have to agree. From the point of view of health (physical, not mental), I should really take Wham!'s I'm Your Man. I and my flat-mate used to do DIY aerobics to it, and I can't hear it without wanting to launch instantly into various repetitious actions with my arms and legs. It's amazing how often that song is played in supermarkets these days. I almost have to leave if it comes on, so Pavlovian is my response. It would keep me fit if I took it.

11. Do you understand the rules of American football?

No. Of course not. I only lived there for 5 years. How many Americans living in Britain for 5 years would understand the rules of cricket? The only rule I know about it, if you're a mother, you're allowed to hate it and hope your young son will never want to play it.

Now I have to:

• Acknowledge the nominating blogger by linking back to their blog – thanks Emma, at Mommy has a Headache (I've already done that, actually)

• Invite 11 more bloggers to take up the challenge and give them 11 questions to answer. Please, Bloggy Friends, don't let your hearts sink. It took me about 15 minutes to answer the above 11 questions. This can be a very speedy blog post!

Here goes:

1. What is the view from the window of the room where you are currently sitting?
2. Do you buy lottery tickets?
3. If you had to live in the Arctic Circle, or on the Equator, which would it be?
4. What's the novel inside you (you know, the one that everyone is supposed to have)?
5. Do you still have your wedding dress (if you're married)?
6. Is your big toe longer or shorter than the one next to it?
7. Name a guilty pleasure.
8. If you could change one thing you've done in the last week, what would it be?
9. What's your middle name? (go on, we're all grown-ups now, it's not embarrassing any more)
10. Can you, with Edith Piaf, say "Je ne regrette rien"? 
11. What fairy story character do you most identify with? (don't over-think this one)

(Wow, that was fun, thinking up those 11.)

And I'm asking:

Gappy Tales (because you made a comment recently about having too much time on your hands)
Expat Mum
Nappy Valley Girl
Middle Aged Matron
12 Hours To Bedtime
Circles in the Sand
Ms Caroline
Bod for Tea
Carrot Crush in the Hindu Kush
Plan B
Sticky Fingers

Over to you, Ladies!

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Expletives to David Cameron

Don't read this if you're my mum.

David Cameron has made my life a bit harder. Probably I'm not the only one who could say that. But this is how he's made life harder for me.

Unless I'm wrong (and this is very possible, as I don't keep up with the detail of British life any more), if you want to go to university in England, you now have to pay 9,000 pounds a year. Or borrow it. Now this is where it's a bummer for me. We have three children hurtling downhill towards college age. Without wanting to assume that they will all want to go to college, but thinking it's likely, that means that either they will have to each take on a debt of 27,000 before launching into adult life, or we will have to find 81,000. Neither of those is a very attractive prospect.

Here's the crunch. University education in the US is fearsomely expensive, but because it has always been that way, a whole system of support has grown up. There are academic scholarships, sports scholarships, loan schemes, and - most importantly for us - tuition remission for family of university employees. The university that Husband teaches at is very egalitarian, so that if you are the janitor and have ten children, they all receive tuition remission (worth about $15,000 a year, for four years). I like that. It's a huge perk. The university has some very loyal janitors, who in real terms are extremely well paid. In our case, that means that I am doing my MA degree pretty much for free (though there are tax implications, which puts it at a few hundred dollars - but in the context of saving $15,000, I'm not complaining). Which is all a preamble to saying that if we decided to stay here long-term - and Mum, since I know you will be reading this in spite of the opening instruction, we aren't - but if we did decide to stay here, we would instantly be looking at saving the family 81,000 pounds. That is not to be sneezed at.

So expletives to you, David Cameron, because you've made it really very attractive in financial terms to stay here. Expletives to you.

Am I up to date with the reality of the situation? Are universities all charging 9,000 pounds as from next year? Is Scotland doing the same, of is this just England (we've always fancied going back to Scotland, and this would be one big incentive). Are universities focusing any efforts on introducing more scholarships? Are any of them thinking about tuition remission for their employees?

For those of you wanting the challenge of a harder question, is it worth 81,000 pounds to us to be living in England, near family, near places we love, near old friends, in a culture we feel more at home with, where you can get a decent cup of tea at will, where John Humphries is on the radio every morning, where you are but a few hours away from mainland Europe, on an island you share with the Lake District, the Scottish Highlands and a whole lot of fabulous coastline, where we can vote, where we feel most who we are, and in whose soil we ultimately want our children to have their roots? Or used to.

How much is that worth? Answer THAT one, David Cameron.

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Had a header crisis

OK, so I got fed up with that photo on my header, and took it down. And now I'm fiddling around not knowing what to do with that space. I had plans for the day, and they didn't involve re-doing my blog header. Hm... How did this happen? It was a crime of passion when I pressed that delete button. No malice aforethought at all. Anyway, I'm now looking to YOU for ideas.

It could be a statement, like "Why is Google Chrome SO DARN SLOW at the moment, and is it going to get better or will I have to go back to Mozilla Firefox? I'm already hovering between the two, but I really prefer Chrome. SHAPE UP, GOOGLE CHROME."

It could be a picture. I've always quite fancied having a herd of bison up there, (remember the strapline "Among the bison with my dyson"? I've never quite kissed goodbye to that one). But I've spent hours trying to get a picture of a herd of bison long and thin, header-shaped, and it's not easy. Oh Blogger, I do love you, but you are very inflexible when it comes to header design.

I want to avoid the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes, tempting though that is, and there are some great pictures on Flickr of cupcakes decorated with the two flags. Isn't the internet amazing? You can go to a photo website, and type in "UK US flags", and poof! up pop pictures of CUPCAKES! It's as if the site can read not only your mind, but your subconscious too.

Are you a brilliant up-and-coming blog designer who'd like to do me a header for free? I'll give you loads of publicity. I'll love you forever. Please...

By the way, while you're thinking about ideas for my header, could you also answer a couple of questions? Does John Humphrys still do the Today programme on Radio 4? Just wondering. And over this side of the Atlantic, do you, or don't you, dial a 1 before a long distance or -800- call? Either way seems to work. What is the point of that 1 if it's dispensable? I've been here too long to ask that kind of question outside the cyber world. That's a "new expat" question, and I'm way past that stage. I'm well into the realm of "embarrassing if you don't know".

I think my blog is feeling a little embarrassed too now. Naked and exposed. Do help her out with that header won't you. Oooh... I said "her". So my blog must be female. I didn't know that. See how the internet can tap right into your subconscious.

A convoluted puzzle

Now you know how I enjoy a brain-teaser when I'm out shopping. Well, I spotted another one yesterday. I was in Wal-Mart, and as I walked past the bedding section, I read the following sign above one of the aisles:

bed pillows
foam pillows
feather pillows
convoluted pillows.

Intriguing. Convoluted pillows. I like my sleep time to be simple and straightforward. The last thing I would want is a convoluted pillow giving me convoluted dreams.

The amazing thing is that not only do enough people want to buy convoluted pillows that it is worth Wal-Mart's while to stock them, but that so many people want to buy them that they merit a listing on the aisle sign.

Picture me this Saturday morning, propped up on my convoluted pillows, sipping my aseptic drink, and exclaiming "good jahb" at intervals. Do you think I'd pass for a local?

Another puzzle

Whilst I've been puzzling about aseptic drinks, people out there have larger questions on their minds.

I've got a sitemeter, and this is what happens when a blogger gets a sitemeter. They find out what weird and wonderful search terms people put into Google, to land up on their blog. Then they write a blog post about it. This is mine.

Not wrong, just different is full of pretty mundane subject matter, it must be said, and those who land up here by mistake are mostly people interested in cures for verrucas or ways of dealing with bugs and critters. They won't get much by way of an answer to their problems, but they may be comforted to know they're not alone. Hello, if you're one of them.

The Pledge of Allegiance has attracted the largest number of unintentional visitors. There is one that has got a whole story behind it; I just wish I knew what the story was. Someone typed into Google "How can I pledge allegiance to him when he can't pledge allegiance to the US?" Oh my dear girl (I assume you're a girl), I wish I could help. You knew, though, well before you hit the return button, that a Google search wasn't going to give you an answer to that one, didn't you?

A puzzle

I know, I know. You want me to tell you what Hallowe'en was like here. Be patient, I will. Perhaps I'll use the extra hour we have tonight to do that. But first, here is something that is puzzling me.

When I go shopping in my local Dillons (you know me, life in the fast lane), there is an aisle where the sign tells me I may find water, juice, soda and aseptic drinks. Hello? Aseptic drinks? I haven't actually managed to identify which are the drinks in that aisle that are the aseptic ones, but when I do so, am I to conclude that all the others are, in fact, septic? Oh goody. I knew they tasted better over here.

Questions, questions

Hey, I’ve thought of a clever way of avoiding asking those questions that I want to know the answer to, but which mark me out as an ignorant foreigner. I can ask my bloggy friends! They’re a nice bunch, pretty easy-going, and won’t see me looking all embarrassed if the answer is really obvious. So, hello Bloggers. These ones are for you.

1) What is the rice and pasta and bread here “enriched” with? It’s all enriched, every last packet of it. What with?
2) Why are my finger nails so much tougher here than in Britain? Is it something they put in the water, or is it whatever they enrich the rice and pasta and bread with?
3) I know that British teeth are something of a national joke. That’s ok. I can take it. I am intrigued about American teeth, though. I can see why they’re all so straight. That’s to do with orthodontics. But how come they’re all so big? In comparison, British teeth are not only crooked, but small. Is that to do with the stuff they put in the rice and pasta and bread?
4) Should I go and get my supplies from a health food shop instead? What else is this enriching agent doing to our bodies?
5) Can you think of any better place to take Husband for his birthday than Dodge City, Kansas?

Answers on a post-card please, or just in the comments box. Question 5 is a trick question. Please don't come up with any better suggestions, since it's already booked. It'll be fun. We really couldn't live in the Midwest without a visit to Dodge City, could we?