I was at a social event last night, and got chatting to a couple about my time living in America. I have a stock of things I say, phrases that have become set phrases, thoughts that I can articulate without thinking about them. Five and a half significant years of my life, processed into small talk material. Nothing wrong with that - you don't want to be baring your soul to everyone you meet, and it's inevitable that your personal reflections on a place, a culture, a way of life, will become honed by repetition, into digestible fodder.
The couple I was speaking to asked me if I kept in touch with American friends, and I surprised myself. Usually my response would be:
"We made some really great friends. Mid Westerners are very open and welcoming, and we were sad to leave behind some close friendships. Yes, we're definitely keeping in touch."
Last night, I found myself saying:
"We've kept in touch so far, but it's getting a bit thin now. Inevitably. You can't keep in touch with everyone, and as you get busy in your new location and your new life, you can't carry all your friends from your previous place along with you."
I surprised myself, but yes, it's true. I'm not keeping up with friends in America as much as I was this time a year ago. It's nearly two years since we left, and life moves on. It's appropriate and good to be spending less time feeding old friendships, as new ones develop and take up more of your time and attention.
But I felt sad, nevertheless. Small talk suddenly became not all that small.
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It's interesting to see someone being honest about the stock answers people give in social situations, how really quite meaningless those conversations are until you manage to say something a little more real. thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, so honest. I always intend to keep up with everyone, but, as you say, that's impossible. I can't believe it's 2 years since you left! Time has flown. Glad to hear you're settling in well to the new life.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling that if we ever leave here, even though we've been here for over 20 years, not many people will keep in touch. Because Americans move around so much, they're used to shedding friends and all that. I find that their "real" friends tend to be from college - they might not see them very often either, but they're the ones they really seem bonded to. (with?)
ReplyDeleteI've been gone less than a year, but I already feel as if I've really lost touch with some people. I think it's inevitable - you can't keep up with everyone. I do Skype with a few people, and I find Facebook very good for knowing what everyone is up to. But if you don't see people, it's hard - even if they're in the same country.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think you have to take value in the here and now. It's nice to touch base with old friends but that time to connect can seem like hard work, which is why FB helps but there isn't the same reward for the soul as actually sitting down with a friend and having a good chin wag or kids playing together in the park. The rewarding side of friendship comes from time invested together. Perhaps that's why college friends do ok. You meet up, spend time, get reward, leave it a few years and repeat. It's an acceptable way to behave but do we feel more obliged with new friendships to think must maintain or it is lost. Funny isn't it.
ReplyDeleteSuch a good post, very art for us. We have many friends oversees and have tried to keep in touch but life moves on and you have less in common. I do like Facebook to send the odd happy birthday message and to share photos of our lives and family events but the long phone calls stop eventually.
ReplyDeleteYou can't keep up with everyone, but I think some people are better at letting go than others. B says goodbye, walks away, shakes himself off and doesn't really look back. I agonise about the fact that I've lost touch with x or y or whether I should make attempts to get back in touch with z. (separate blog post about one of my bridesmaids to follow). But I do think it's very sad. I'm pre-nostalgic (there needs to be a word for that) about the friends my children have now that they will only remember as names (or probably not even that) in twenty years time....
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this blog post a lot Iota. Especially as we just came back from a trip to Philly where I lived for a good 10 years of my life and where I changed from single career girl to a married stay at home mum. I really felt connected to those friends because they had witnessed my transformation and been with me every step of the way. But like you I had realised that my contact with my friends had dropped significantly a couple of years after I'd moved to Vancouver. I thought it was because I was too busy with my kids but I guess you do just naturally lose touch with friends over time. They move on and so do you. It's sad but true. The thought of my friends makes me terribly nostalgic for my ten years in Philly. The good thing is that the really good friends are those that you don't see or speak to for years and then you get together again and it was just like old times. It should be easier keeping in touch with old friends these days but somehow it doesn't seem to work like that.
ReplyDeleteI have moved so many times in my life, I had to really think hard about this post. Leaving people behind (and losing touch with them) has been a sort of motif for my entire life, I suppose. But, by the same token, I also have those shining lights in my life - people who will always be a part of my life until death do us part. It's true you can't really go home again - but when you do cross paths with those old friends again, all the special times that you shared really do come back. Our neighbors moved away a couple years before we moved to Seoul and we've not seen them since (5 years, I think it's been); they'll be in China this summer and will be coming to Seoul on the way home, and we are all thrilled. I think special reunions like that are, in some ways, almost worth the anguish of leaving...
ReplyDeleteYou can't keep up with everyone , really . They change , just as you do .
ReplyDeleteUntil , just by chance , you hear that that pudgy little boss-eyed girl from Kindergarten is now , sixty years later , a Reverend Mother in Canada , breeds llamas in Limerick .... or has married into the Mafia .